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Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:
A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms
Moms, what insane comments have your kids made over the years??
I bet you’ve got some embarrassing ones, probably a few scary ones, and lots of funny ones!
WARNING- I know, the topic of this series is Scary Mom Nightmares…. But I did not stick to only SCARY kid quotes. There were just too many that were adorable, sweet, and awesome! So they’re all in here!
1) Watch Out!
My son had a bruise on his shin. His dad asked where he got it from.
His response, “A radioactive octopus came out of the drain and got me!”
2) Quick! Get to the Doctor!
A four-year old was sitting in the bathtub when he felt his nuts. He said, “Mom, Call the doctor! There’s a ball in me and it needs to get out!
3) Venus… The Planet…
Have you ever seen the planet Venus in the sky? Every once and a while you can see it with the naked eye.
On the way into a store, I pointed it out to my little one. As we checked out, she told the cashier, “Mommy showed me pee-nus outside!”
4) No Party for Me
It was my toddler’s second birthday. I was so excited for her party!
She was enjoying playing with cousins and friends. I eagerly told her, “Honey, it’s time to start your party now! It’s going to be so fun!”
Without skipping a beat, she yelled back at me int he most growl-y voice a little pig-tailed girl can muster, “No! PLAY!”
5) Guest Room?
My 8 year old niece was over at my house. My husband had just built me a new bed frame, complete with awesome storage space underneath!
She was excited to see it, so I walked her in to our room to show her.
After she ooo-ed and awww-ed at the bed frame, I showed her the open storage areas underneath. Her eyes lit up and she said, “Oh, that’s so perfect! Like when people come to stay with you, they can sleep down there!”
6) Beauty Pageant
6 year old girl: “My hair is cute, but daddy’s beard hair is SOOOO CUTE!”
A family (6 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and an infant) was riding in the car together. The mom overheard this conversation between her children, as they oogled over the baby:
Girl- “I’m going to marry the baby when I grow up!”
Boy- “Yeah, I’ll marry him too!”
Girl- “You can’t marry him, I’m already going to marry him.”
Boy- “Well then I’ll marry mommy!”
Girl- “You can’t marry mommy either. She’s already married to daddy.”
The boy stops to think for a minute or two, then concludes, “But daddy goes to work!”
8) This Is the Greatest Show!
Dad carried all three kids into the house to help mom after a long grocery trip.
His first-grade son says, “Daddy, you need to join the circus cause you’re so strong!”
9) Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match
My son told me that his friend, Lexi, wanted to marry him.
I asked, “Do you want to marry her too?”
He was very giggly and nervous, but he said, “Maybe. I love her.” Then he got serious, and added, “I like her face, but sometimes she looks like a pig.”
10) Who… Whaaaaa….
Out of nowhere, my child asked me, “Are Jason and Satan friends?”
11) You Can’t Argue with That Logic
My little girl (about 7 years old) was watching Duck Dynasty. On the show, they shot a duck to eat.
My little girl said, “Ewwww, gross!”
I quickly told her that she didn’t have to watch it, to which she responded, “But mom, it’s my favorite show!!”
12) What’s Daddy Doing?
When my husband was in school, “Daddy can’t play, he’s practicing his paper.”
13) Love All Around!
A cute girl expressing her love for her family: “I love mommy, I love daddy, I love my Ennis, and I love my Luke, and…… I love myself!”
14) Mary Poppins Mindset
Dad (trying to help his daughter get dressed) chose some underwear for her.
Unimpressed with his choice, she said, “Dad, those ones are practically dirty.” Alright, Mary Poppins.
15) Mom’s In Trouble
I was on the phone and was looking for a quiet place to talk, so I sat on the stairs.
My daughter came around the corner, very concerned, and asked, “Mom, are you in time out?”
16) Mean Dog
We had just had puppies at our house. The mama dog was licking and caring for the puppies.
My toddler came to me SOOOO angry- just shaking mad- and stuttered out, “Roxy- Not nice!! BITE!”
My husband took his shirt off on a hot day.
My son said, “Glad you didn’t take your pants off…”
18) The Pretty Dream
My daughter is the sweetest ever: “Mom, I need to tell ya something…. I took a pretty pretty dream! It was a flower and it was pink! And I picked it for you, Mom!”
“Sometimes, I like to say ‘I love ya mom’ all the time!”
20) The One From Every Mom Everywhere
Who hasn’t heard this one??
Kid: “Mommy, mommy!!”
Kid: “Umm…. I love you.”
It still melts my heart!
21) Creepy Child
Sometimes children are creepy….
“Every day, I come in and I wait for you to wake up.”
Oh, that’s great, son….
22) Clean Up Time
While cleaning their room together, my daughter said kindly to my son, “I found your monkey for you!”
Then, holding her arms out wide, “Now come give me a hug and smile at me!”
23) Speedy Daddy
“Dad ran fast as 100 dollars!”
I wish I could run that fast…. Then I wouldn’t be so poor.
24) Descriptive and Accurate
While walking through a store, my child saw a cute rustic soap dish.
She asked me, “Oooooh, what’s this?”
Me: “It’s just a kind of decoration.”
Her: “Oh, it’s so beautiful, it looks like singing!”
25) New Skills
Kid: “I got my clothes on all by myself!”
Me: “Good job pumpkin.”
Kid: “Now I look like a p….. (long pause for effect)…. A person!” She walked away with a satisfied smile.
26) The Phone Mishap
I dropped my BRAND NEW phone right in the toilet. (You all know how that feels!)
Soon, we had to leave to pick up my husband from work. I was less than excited to have to tell him about the phone.
My son said, “I want to say a prayer for you mom.” Awww!!
Here’s what he prayed for, “Please bless mom’s phone, and please bless daddy. He’s going to be pissed.”
(Circumstantially, I had just asked my husband not to say pissed in front of the kids that same day!)
27) Did You Sleep Good?
When my kids wake up, my first question is always, “Did you sleep good?”
Lately, my little boy has been beating me to it with, “Mom, I weep good!”
28) Oh My….
Out of surprise, my little said, “Oh my cow!”
I’m guessing this is a mush of “oh my goodness” and “holy cow?”
Instead of saying, “I don’t like (whatever)” my son grimaces dramatically, sighs, and declares, “I CAN’T wike it!”
Like he’s trying so hard.
30) MOST ADORABLE KID IN THE WORLD AWARD!
Ok, my son definitely wins.
Check him out- I was folding laundry one day and told him that I was feeling really tired. He let out an “awwww!”, gave me a big hug, and said firmly, “I take you yours bed.”
I protested- telling him that I still had to fold the clothes. He would not be swayed- “I do it myself.”
Then he took me by my hand and guided me to my room. I laid down in bed and he covered me with a blanket. Later he brought in a cookie sheet with a couple chocolate chips on it. “I bring you yours lunch.”
I asked if he could help his little sister, who was fussing. He put her in her bed with a sippy cup and calmed her right down.
That cutie melts my heart! He was only 5 years old!
When my son was young, he said to his dad, “Your face, mushman!”
We couldn’t figure out what he meant for a while… but we finally connected the dots.
He remembered having a mustache drawn on his face for Halloween and he wanted his daddy to have one too!
My daughter calls all animals puppy.
Lately, that word also applies to her Uncle Stephen because of his beard!
33) Burp… Or Not?
My son started giggling out of nowhere.
He leaned over to his dad and whispered, “I burped in my pants.”
34) What’s that Green Holiday?
A little confusion about St. Patrick’s Day, “Today is Pinch Patch Day… I mean Thanks Pinch Day…?”
35) Sincere Prayer of a 4 Year Old
Another adorable prayer, “Thankful for…. Some stuff. And we’re glad… about something.”
36) Hint: Tiny Presents Don’t Taste Good
My son thought a beef bouillon cube was chocolate so he popped it in his mouth and ate it… This is what he told me, “Yuck! There was a tiny present I ate and it was so gross!!!”
37) Mature Response to Adversity
I forgot to buy milk at the store.
My understanding child let out a weary sigh, like he had dealt with so much today, and said, “It’s for the best.”
38) Nice Cover Up
As I was helping my child prepare a presentation, I asked her what she wanted to say.
She took a deep breath, and blurted out in a loud voice, “Hello boys and girls, I’m not very frightened today.”
39) Who Am I?
I worked with children in their homes helping them overcome behavioral problems.
One day, I was asked to fill in for a staff who was sick. I went to the home and greeted the child warmly.
He gave me a disgusted look and said, “No matter how much makeup you put on, I can still recognize you- Candice!”
I am not Candice….
40) Get To Know You
During a get to know you game, my child was asked, “Where’s the coziest place in your home?”
Her answer was, “In my bed and on daddy!”
41) The Food Pet
We were eating Roman for dinner.
At one point, my son held up a fork full of noodles and asked his sister, “Do you want to pet it??”
Of course, she did pet his noodles. Great.
After the giggling ended, he ate the noodles. His sister quickly objected, “Hey! You just ate your pet!”
42) Great Focus!
Dad: “In Japan, they eat a lot more rice and fish.”
Daughter: “Ahhhh. I love chicken wings.”
43) What Words Start with A???
We were playing an animal ABC game. You are supposed to name an animal that starts with each letter of the alphabet.
My daughter got us started right with “Ass” for letter A.
I mean… she’s not wrong…
44) Safety First
My son had just watched Jurassic Park for the first time. We were asking him if he got scared.
My daughter, who hadn’t seen it yet, piped in with, “I think I want to wear my life jacket when I try it.” ]
Sure sweetie… That’ll help.
45) Keep it School Appropriate
“Why do they talk about being animals in that song (Would You Like to Swing on A Star) because animals are naked and nobody thinks about that and it would be inappropriate to told kids at school.”
Wow, how do you argue with those points?
46) Why I Should Stay Fat
My son was thinking over a commercial he saw for some weight loss product.
He said, “I think people should keep their weight. You know why? Because then, no one could get them because they couldn’t carry them.”
Good point. I think I’ll have a slice of cake.
The dinner table was quiet until, “IT WAS ME… TOOTING!”
Thank you for your confession…?
48) Like… What?
“I’m growing bigger, just like a flower flake!”
I accidentally sneezed on my son.
He got upset and said, “Don’t bless me mom!”
50) Hairy Stuff
Backstory- my husband is bald and I have long flow-y hair.
I went through a phase after giving birth to my last child where I lost a lot of hair… and my poor family kept finding strands of hair in their food! Ahhh!
During one unfortunate night, my poor husband had this happen to him. My kids watched with wide eyes as he choked and sputtered.
Then my son volunteered, “Maybe dad should do the cooking?”
51) Simple Solution
Kid: “We need to save these cupcakes for Halloween!”
Me: “Halloween is too far away.”
Kid: “We can drive to it!”
52) Fantasies of a Four Year Old
My daughter got a princess sticker from the doctor.
My youngest son looked at the princess and said, “I love her! I kissed her in my dreams!”
My son told his grandma: “My penis was stuck in my diaper like this (points finger straight up) and it hurt!”
Grandma: “Does it hurt now?”
The kid: “No, I saved it.”
54) I Don’t Understand.
“Hey mom, if my tummy was a spoon, I would scoop up my teacher in the pool and all my friends.”
55) Natural Kindness from Nowhere
“I care about ducks.”
When my son opened the car door all by himself, he got very excited and yelled, “Good job me!”
57) Adult-Sized Worries
My son was playing on the playground. I followed him around, while talking to my husband on the phone.
Randomly, he got very serious, looked off into the distance, and solemnly said, “You are just so far away, and I know you’re riding on a roller coaster.”
58) Don’t Ask
Grandpa: “How was school?”
My son: “It’s private.”
59) High Standards
“I want to marry someone like mom. She’s not THAT beautiful, but she is very very very cute.”
Ummm… Thank you?? I guess?
60) Pretend… Or Real??… Stories
“One time, I was choking on a bubble and then I got it out of my throat. And I put it in my jacket and I took it out and put it in a night light in my room. (Chuckles hysterically) Remember how funny that was, mom?”
A little while later and after a few more awesome stories, he blurts out, “I just made those up! Hahahahahah!”
Then, he suddenly stops mid laugh and says in a deep, serious voice, “Nope. They’re real.”
62) Getting Crafty
My daughter liked to sit by the same girl every day at school.
But then one day, the girl decided to sit by someone else.
My daughter was very sad about it, but I tried to calm her down. I told her, “Don’t worry honey, there are lots of nice kids in your class. You might find more girls that you like to sit by. Maybe it’s time to make some new friends.”
She looked up at my through tear filled eyes, looking very confused. “Out of what??” she asked.
63) Hard Work… No Thanks!
I was babysitting a few of my nieces and nephews for a weekend.
Our house is heated entirely by wood stove, so one of our constant chores is bringing in wood for the stove.
I put on a big smile and excitedly told the kids that they get to help me! I tried to make it sound so excited and fun! The older two (9 and 7) fell for it right away- running outside to get some firewood.
The youngest saw through me right away. After my best efforts to be fun and exciting, he looked right at me and said calmly, “I won’t be doing that.”
My nephew looked me up and down.
He informed me, “You know how I know you’re going to have a baby soon? Your tummy is big, like this (he used his hand to show a big bump on my belly.”
I was a little annoyed until I took a pregnancy test…
He called it.
65) Deer Crossing
Have you seen those deer crossing signs on the highways? You know, the kind that warn drivers that there might be deer in the area?
One ten year old girl asked her family, “How do the deer know to follow the sign to cross the road right here?”
The family thought it was pretty funny, so they teased her for a while about it.
Until her older sister (thirteen) finally joined in, “I always wondered that too.”
66) Who’s Wearing What?
I was in a hurry to get my kids ready and running late.
I tried to get my oldest daughter to help the toddler get undressed so that he was ready for me to dress as soon as I finished dressing the four year old.
I told her, “Take off Charlie’s shirt.”
She stood still and looked at me with a weird look.
Noticing her hesitation, I repeated the instruction, “Leslie, take off Charlie’s shirt!”
I was getting a little frustrated since we were late.
Finally, she started crying and said, “I haven’t got it on!”
67) Awesome Mispronunciations:
- Roman Noodles= Robin Nerdles
- Scrambled Eggs= Grumbled Eggs
- Vitamin C= Bite-a-min Seed
- Each other’s= Your chuthers “
- Apricot Jam= Apple crisp jam
- Mashed potatoes= Smashed potatoes
- Making Sure= Make Suring
- Sandwich= Chommers
- Doctor Raj= Doctor Garage
- Popsicles= Applepus or Apple-coops
I’m still laughing!!
What stories do you have to add to this list?? I know your kids have said some cute/awesome/hilarious/inappropriate things too! Share them in the comments below!
And as always, a special THANK YOU to all the moms who shared these awesome stories with us!
We moms needed a good laugh to keep us going. Keep an eye out for the next chuckles coming up in our Scary Mom-Nightmares Series!
Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that?
It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!
I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.
I also worked as a parent educator!
All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here!
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