Scary Mommy-Nightmare Series Mommy Dirty Talk Tips from Real Moms on How to Get Some

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Dirty Talk for Moms

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This post may contain advertisements and/or links for products and services that I value. I offer recommendations to products and/or services that I find helpful in my own life as a mom. I may receive a commission based on viewer purchases or interactions with these ads. You will NOT be charged any extra money. All prices will stay the same for you whether your purchase items/services through links found on this site or not! 

 

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:

A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 21 Reasons A Mom’s Shower Can’t Exceed 6 Minutes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 20 Unlucky Embarrassing Mom Moments

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Over 60 Insanely Awesome Child Quotes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Things that Really Should be Weird… But Just Seem Normal to Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Potty Edition

 

We all know relationships get a little wacko after we become parents.

It seems impossible to find time to eat, sleep, and shower- let alone connect with your spouse.

That’s when we get creative… and maybe a little desperate.

As always, these are real stories, told by fellow-moms who’ve been there, done that! Here’s our best tips from mom to mom on how to get some!

woman holding someone's hand

1) Crazy Places

Hey, beggars can’t be choosers! When moms and dads need a little something, we go for it ANYWHERE we can!

A few moms I talked to tried having sex in:

  • The golf course
  • The labor and delivery room
  • The kids’ rooms when they’re supposed to be cleaning them… After all, this is the last place they’d be!
  • The spooky basement or garage. Again, all we’re looking for here is a little privacy.
  • The closet.
  • Anywhere besides the bedroom because that’s the first place they’ll come looking for us!!

I even talked to one mom who had a standing challenge with several other couples to see who could do it in the craziest places. I guess parenthood drives us to a little insanity anyways… we might as well enjoy it!

man and woman lying on bed

2) Bribes/Promises

I’ve said a lot of things with a double goal in mind- to strengthen my marriage and also get a few things done around the house at the same time.

Turns out that bribes are a common method for women! Of course, dads also make promises in exchange for a little fun.

I’ve heard plenty of basic ones, like:

  • “I will if you take out the trash.”
  • “I will if you get up with the baby.”
  • “I will if you take the kids for an hour.”
  • “I will if you make dinner.”

But there’s no end to what one or both spouse(s) will do to get a little sugar! Here’s a few of the more exciting bribes/promises I heard from moms and dads who really needed it!

  • “I will if you clean up the puke.” Oh man. Disgusting… but worth it!
  • “I’ll give you a week of sex every day for one night out with my friends.” Hey, that sounds like a win, win for everyone!
  • “You won’t have to change single diaper today if we get to have sex.” And this couple had THREE kids in diapers! That’s a committed spouse!
  •  “I’ll watch Dora the Explorer with the toddler in the morning so that you can sleep in if we can have some fun now.” My personal favorite! That’s a major sacrifice! What a loving partner!
  • “I’ll do whatever you want if you just get me some fried chicken.” Pregnancy cravings… what can we say?

Of course, we would totally put out even if our husband didn’t do all that. He’s too hot to resist (and parents are constantly starving for a little fun….) but shhhhhh! Don’t tell! I really don ‘t want to clean the puke!

selective focus photography of sleeping baby

3) “On your birthday….” turns into “When the kids go to sleep….”

There are no sexier words than “They’re all asleep!!

But don’t get your hopes up. I’ve heard all the stories of parents who were interrupted from their “recreational activities” in the middle of the night by:

  • nighttime feedings for newborns,
  • babies who lose their pacifiers in the middle of the night,
  • toddlers who wake up randomly at 2am,
  • young children who wet the bed,
  • older children who have nightmares,
  • and teenagers who try to sneak in or out of the house early in the morning.

Better get it while you can! Sleeping kids don’t sleep for long! 

person holding white mini bell alarmclock

4) Quickies

As I was saying, parents gotta get it when they can! That means that any 15 minute activity that will keep the kids occupied means play time for mom and dad too! 

If you’re dying for a little somethin’, try these moms suggestions:

  • Nap Time for kids is nap time for parents too!
  • Lunch and snacks are great distractions! Kids are less likely to bother you if they’re eating! If you get desperate, pull out the ice cream or the candy. A little unhealthy food is worth the fun you’ll have!
  • Play Dates are the best! You’ll have the house to yourself for an hour or so! Jackpot!!
  • When kids play outside. You didn’t really think the big push to get kids to play outside was just for exercise and good health, did you?? Well, actually, now that I think of it, I guess it is. For mom and dad too.
  • During an episode of Daniel Tiger. Oh yeah, those are 20 minutes long! That’s plenty of time for a quickie!!!
  • When mom comes back to the bedroom after nursing the baby at 2am… “Hey, if you’re already awake, why not??”

woman riding on back of man

5) Accidents

Of course… all this planning does’t make us perfect!

Many parents have been caught in the act. Hey, what can we say, all these crazy attempts to get a little sugar don’t always work out.

Here’s a few of the stories I’ve heard from moms:

  • I was visiting my family for a holiday. They don’t believe in locking doors… but I thought they believed in knocking! My sister walked in on me and my wife… She got a nice view of my full moon.
  • My four year old niece burst into the room where my husband and I were messing around, just seconds after we got our clothes back on! Phew, close one!
  • We had family in town staying at our place for a few weeks. Needless to say, we couldn’t last that long without a little fun! So we tried to sneak away whenever we could. My house has very thin walls…. One time, we had a little fun and walked back into the living room to several pale, awkward faces… Nobody would make eye contact. Nobody seemed to know what to talk about. Woops…
  • My husband and I were right in the middle of the act when we heard a tiny voice say, “What are you doing?” It was my 6 year old son, whose ninja skills still amaze me. We had no idea he came in the room!

 

Have you ever been caught in the act? Do you have great advice on how to get some for busy parents? Share your story in the comments below!

I can’t wait to hear more mommy dirty talk!

And I especially can’t wait to try out some of your suggestions… I’m always looking for new ideas to test out with my hot husband!

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

 

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Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that? 

It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!

I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.

I also worked as a parent educator!

All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here! 

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Life Hacks to Survive and Thrive on a Mommy Sick Day

12 Life Hacks to Survive (And THRIVE) On a Mommy Sick Day

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This post may contain advertisements and/or links for products and services that I value. I offer recommendations to products and/or services that I find helpful in my own life as a mom. I may receive a commission based on viewer purchases or interactions with these ads. You will NOT be charged any extra money. All prices will stay the same for you whether your purchase items/services through links found on this site or not! 

Mom sick days are just unfair. Like the universe was playing a gross trick or a prank gone too far.

GUESS WHAT UNIVERSE??? IT’S NOT FUNNY!

Let me just start by telling you my own little horror story of mom sickness. 

It was almost spring- you know, in that terrible transition phase around March and April where germs thrive.

I took my cute little daughter to the play place at McDonald’s for some much needed exercise and free play. We were just so sick of being cooped up in the house.

Little did I know, we were about to be a whole ‘nother kind of sick.

It all started with my cute telling me, “Mom, sick!”

I couldn’t tell if she was really feeling under the weather or not. She wasn’t really showing any signs of sickness yet. And on top of that, I was pregnant and often nauseous, so she was hearing a lot about how mommy didn’t feel well. At first, I thought she was just repeating after me.

And then it all happened.

First, we got the flu. ALL of us. Starting with the toddler (who barfed in my hair while I was snuggling her in the night… you know, since the poor girl couldn’t sleep because she was so miserable!) and then I got sick too (oh, did I mention I was pregnant on top of all this????) and last of all dad came down with it too.

And that sucked.

But then, it got worse. 

Second, our throats started to feel tingly and itchy. Then they got inflamed and so so sore! Yep, next we all got strep throat. That lasted for a good 4 days at least…

Just when we thought we MUST be finally coming out of it, our sinuses stuffed up, headaches started, and the colds took over! 

All in all, it was like 2 weeks straight of an entire family being sick as a dog!!

That means no dishes done in 2 weeks, no sweeping the floor in 2 weeks, no cooking meals in 2 weeks, no laundry done in 2 weeks, no errands run in 2 weeks, no grocery shopping done…. 

What is a mom supposed to do to SURVIVE???

person lying on gray sofa

Life Hack 1: Explain What’s Going On to Your Kids

I’m always amazed at how much my kids actually do understand if I just take the time to talk to them about what’s going on. 

Even my little 2 year old!

When we were so sick, I told her that mommy felt icky just like she did. She was very understanding when I was slower to get her a snack or when I spent a lot more time lounging on the couch than normal.

Don’t forget to clue your kids in. Sometimes we accidentally leave our kids in the dark (which leads to more behavior problems because they are just confused), but if they just know what’s going on they can be very loving, supportive, and helpful in our time of need!

Want to hear the cutest story about the cutest kid in the world?? Check out this story from our post Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Over 60 Insanely Awesome Child Quotes.

“I was folding laundry one day and told him that I was feeling really tired. He let out an “awwww!”, gave me a big hug, and said firmly, “I take you yours bed.”

I protested- telling him that I still had to fold the clothes. He would not be swayed- “I do it myself.”

Then he took me by my hand and guided me to my room. I laid down in bed and he covered me with a blanket. Later he brought in a cookie sheet with a couple chocolate chips on it. “I bring you yours lunch.”

I asked if he could help his little sister, who was fussing. He put her in her bed with a sippy cup and calmed her right down.

That cutie melts my heart! He was only 5 years old.”

adult white American bulldog sitting on couch

Life Hack 2: Have Fun On the Couch

Moms, it’s time to get creative!

You’re out of commission on the couch, and yet your little ones need some kind of entertainment if you expect to get any rest and relaxation at all.

There’s a ton of great fun activities and games for your kiddos…. that don’t involve you leaving the couch!! 

  • Coloring
  • Blocks
  • Books
  • The “I’m the Audience” Game
    • Puppet shows,
    • Talent show,
    • Singing shows
    • Basically, anything that lets my kids perform and me be the audience so I can kick back and relax!

HABA Doorway Puppet Theater – Space Saver with Adjustable Rod Fits in Most Doorways

Clearance Sale!JPJ(TM)🍁12Pcs Hot Creative Chinese Zodiac Soft Animal Puppet Finger Toys PLush Toys

6 Plush Velour Animal Hand Puppets

Nickelodeon Paw Patrol Bath Finger Puppets

  • Farm
    • My daughter LOVES to set up elaborate farms or zoos with her toy animals. All I have to do is sit back and tell her how nice it all looks!
  • Play Dough
    • On special days, my daughter gets to play with play dough at the coffee table. I’m close enough to supervise and keep the mess down to a minimum, but I also get to rest!
  • Write a Story Together
  • Tell Stories
  • Look at Family Pictures
  • Dream about Visiting Disney Land
    • Research what princesses you could meet, what restaurants you could eat at, what rides you could ride, and more!
  • Plan out a Dream Family Vacation
    • Find out more about your kids’ interests by learning what kind of places they would enjoy visiting and what their favorite activities would be there!
  • Puzzles!
  • Try some Origami!
  • Shape Threading
  • Make Jewelry
  • Do String Art!
    • All you have to do is poke some tacks into a pin board and let your little one loop string in, over, and around the tacks to make their own piece of art!
  • Give them a Box
    • Aren’t you amazed at how kids can make something ordinary become amazing? Give your kid a box and let them turn it into a doll house, a race track, a farm, or whatever else they dream up! Give them crayons to decorate it and let the creativity begin!
  • Need more ideas? Check out Over 60 Indoor Activities for Families on a Rainy Day

boy sitting on white cloth surrounded by toys

Life Hack 3: Secret Stash of Toys

You know how kids get tired of the same old toys? That is particularly problematic when you REALLY need them to play happily on their own while you nap during a mommy sick day.

The solution? Keep a few secret, special toys that are only allowed to be played with on sick days! This keeps ’em special and exciting!! 

Here are a few ideas:

My Felt Story – Felt Board, Flannel Board, Black, 23″ x 12.5″

Melissa & Doug Suspend Family Game, Classic Games, Exciting Balancing Game, Develops Hand-Eye Coordination, 12.5″ H x 2.8″ W x 2.8″ L

6 Neon Stretchy Strings for ADD / ADHD Stretch Toy Stress Reliever Fidget Toy Sensory Toys – Stretches from 13 inches to 10 Feet Long!

Squirrel Products Mom, I’m Bored Children’s Activity Book – Fun for Kids Ages 3 Years Old and Up

PlayMonster Lacing & Tracing – Dinosaurs

Soyee Button Art | Preschool Learning Toys | Color Matching Mosaic Pegboard Set for 3+ Year Old Boys & Girls | Brain Training Games for kids

BUCKLE TOY “Buddy” Backpack – Toddler Early Learning Basic Life Skills Children’s Plush Travel Activity

Haktoys Fishing Game Toy Set with Single-Layer Rotating Board | Now with Music On/Off Switch for Quiet Play | Includes 21 Fish and 4 Fishing Poles | Safe and Durable Gift for Toddlers and Kids

HABA Town Maze Magnetic Game for Ages 2+

Beiens 9 Theme Felt Quiet Books – Ultra Soft Baby books Touch and feel Cloth Book, 3D Books Fabric Activity for Babies /Toddlers, Learning to Sensory Book、Identify Skill Boys and Girls, Busy Book

Wooden Magnetic Jigsaw Puzzles Toy, DIWENHOUSE Toddler Toys Educational Travel Puzzle Games Double Sided Drawing Easel for Boys and Girls (Happy Farm)

Magnetic Fun – Cars Planes and Trains

soup in bowl

Life Hack 4: Freezer Meals…. or Order Pizza

Ok mom, when you’re sick, the LAST thing you need is to COOK!

Cooking sucks even when you’re healthy. You don’t need that aggravation.

Plan ahead by having some freezer meals ready to go! 

On top of that, I keep a few cans of my favorite Campbell’s soups in my cupboard just in case I need a grilled cheese and tomato soup at a moment’s notice.

And if that fails, it’s time to order pizza!

white ceramic mug on white table beside black eyeglasses

Life Hack 5: The Sick Day Kit

Make a “sick day kit” with everything you need for a mom sick day.

This keeps everything in one place so that you’re not searching for things you need while you’re puking your guts out. Better yet- it keeps you from having to run to the store while you’re puking your guts out!! 

Here’s a few items to include:

  • Tissues,
  • Tea,
  • Common medications,
  • Blanket,
  • A water bottle,
  • Snacks for you and the kids (you know you’ll have to share!),
  • Vitamin C,
  • Cough drops,
  • Fun games or toys for the kids (unless you’ve got a secret stash somewhere),
  • A thermometer to check for a fever,

No Touch Forehead Temporal Thermometer for Fever KIT | Termometro Digital Baby |- The Best Medical Thermometers for Infants, Kids, Adults with New Born Infant Baby Essentials Nasal Aspirator.

Essential Oil Aromatherapy Set – Pure Therapeutic Grade Oils Lavender, Peppermint, Rosemary, Orange, Tea Tree, Eucalyptus, Lemongrass, Anxiety Relief Blend Kit for Women & Men

  • Strep Test Kit,

Dealmed Rapid Diagnostic Strep A Test Kits CLIA Waived (25 Tests per Box)

  • Barf bags,

Disposable Barf Bags and Wipes Kit With 10 Puke Bags and 10 Wipes – For Car Sick Kids, Uber / LYFT Customers and Morning Sickness Sufferers

  • Anything else that makes you feel better when you’re under the weather!

It can be easier to begin your kit using an existing Get Well Kit, like one of these, and add more of your favorite supplies until it’s perfect!

GiftTree Get Well Medicine Cabinet | Recovery Care Package For Men, Women and Kids | Gift Set Includes Cabinet, Assorted Candy, Ice Bag, Mini First Aid Kit

Get Well Soon Care Package Gift (Available in Two Sizes) … (Standard)

Get Well Gift Box Basket II – For Cold/Flu/Illness – Over 2.5 Pounds of Care, Concern, and Love – Great Care Package – Send a Smile Today!

women's gray crew neck shirt

Life Hack 6: 10 Minutes Goes a Long Way

All this is great… but inevitably, whenever you’re sick, your kids will start to feel starved of your attention.

This is my #1 struggle as a sick mom. Well, at least it WAS until I learned this awesome trick! 

It not only CURES your kids from feeling starved of your attention, it also PREVENTS them from feeling starved.

It’s called the 10 Minute Rule. Here’s how it works:

  • Every time you catch yourself feeling slightly better, take 10 minutes one-on-one with a child or play with the whole group

OR

  • Right before every nap you take, take 10 minutes one-on-one with a child or play with all your kids. 

That’s it!

No matter how sick I am, I can handle 10 minutes of time with my kids. What I can’t handle is hours of a clingy, attention-starved child climbing all over me while I try to nap.

The idea here is that by taking time out of your sick day for your kids, they feel your love and attention. Then, you can explain to them that you’re still not feeling well and need some rest.

Since they have their “mommy attention needs” met, they’re more likely to leave you alone to rest for an hour. Ok, maybe just 30 minutes for some kids, but still!

man and woman holding hands on street

Life Hack 7: Learn to Accept Help

This isn’t easy, but it is a life changing skill!

If you can learn to ask for and accept help when you need it, you’ll find that life’s burdens aren’t so bad, that there are good people all around you who are happy to help out, and that you have much more support than you ever knew. 

Next time you’re sick,

  • Ask for someone to pick up your groceries for you via Walmart pickup. You can still pay for them, all they have to do is swing by and bring them to you!
  • Ask for help with the kids. Healthy kids can go on play dates or someone can watch them while you nap. Family members, friends, and your partner are often willing to help, they just might not know what you need.
  • Ask your partner to take over some of your usual chores, like cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.
  • Arrange carpools for your kids so that you don’t have to drive them to school or to their various clubs, sports, and activities.
  • Tell others what your needs are. You’ll be amazed at the solutions they think of! You never know what another person’s resources and skills are. They have a lot more to give than you might know! 

man wiping mouse with tissue paper

Life Hack 8: PREVENT Sickness with this Magic Vitamin

Elder Berry is a wonderful, magical vitamin.

I first head of it from my sister-in-law.

Her husband was going through a major career change- starting with an intensive flight school to learn how to be a pilot.

It was important to his family that he do well in school and finish school as quickly as possible because they had no income until he finished school and started working as a pilot. 

For him, sick days just weren’t an option!

Sound familiar?

So how did he keep healthy through this vital time for his family?

Elder Berry!

He took this vitamin every day to prevent sickness, and successfully navigated a flu ridden fall and spring without getting sick once! (In fact, it was the same spring that my family got our terrible flu, strep, and cold 2 week illness!)

HE EVEN STAYED HEALTHY WHEN HIS FAMILY GOT SICK! I know, how is that possible??

His wife took it as soon as she started feeling something coming on, and reported that she was almost instantly cured of any illness that might be coming on.

They also gave the vitamins to their kids if they came down with something and reported that colds, coughs, and the flu seemed to end much quicker for their family than other families in the neighborhood.

Want to try it out? Here’s a link for your convenience!

Nature’s Way Sambucus Elderberry Gummies, Herbal Supplements with Vitamin C and Zinc, Gluten Free, Vegetarian, 60 Gummies (Packaging May Vary)

person holding remote pointing at TV

Life Hack 9: Let the Schedule Go

It’s ok if the schedule/routine/typical rules get a little more flexible when you’re sick. 

No need to stress about if the kids go to bed right on time…. or maybe a little earlier than normal if you’re like me.

No need to stress if you watch an extra hour of TV on a sick day. Or an extra few hours of TV on a sick day.

No mom guilt! Give yourself a break! 

Life Hack 10: Self-Care the Crap Out Of Yourself!

Yes, sickness is a time to take care of yourself. So do whatever it takes to feel better!

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you have to let your needs go unmet. To the contrary- you are a vital piece to keep your family functioning. Without you, all hell breaks loose! That’s even MORE reason to take care of yourself! 

Do you need a long bath? Make it happen mama!

Do you need a nap? You can have one!

Do you need some time with Netflix? Do it!

Do you need a Popsicle, a bowl of soup, a piece of toast, a glass of orange juice? Get it!

Is self-care tricky for you? Try this great resource!

Free Self Care Guide 2

Life Hack 11: Stay Home. Period.

Mom, I know you’re in charge of a lot of things. You shop for the groceries, you run the errands, you get your kids everywhere they need to go.

It’s time to put your foot down. You need to stay home.

If you go out, you’re just spreading your sickness around to other families and, heaven forbid, other moms! 

I know, we all know we should stay inside, but sometimes necessity drives us out the door.

If you find yourself feeling obligated to leave the house, it’s time to ask for help!

This is healing time. Not errands time. 

Life Hack 12: See the Silver Lining

Yes, sickness sucks. Especially for a mom.

But on the other hand, you have a good excuse to sit still and take a break! 

You get to sleep! And lay around! And relax!

That’s something! Take that in and enjoy! After all, you don’t get to lazy around most days.

You don’t have to fight and struggle your way through a mommy sick day. You can crush it! You’ve got this- these 12 life hacks make a mom sick day totally do-able. 

These 12 tips saved me during my 2+ weeks of sickness- including the flu, strep throat, and a cold one right after the other.

They can save you too!

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

 

 

Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that? 

It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!

I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.

I also worked as a parent educator!

All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here! 

Did you enjoy this post? Share the Love!
The Best or Worst Potty Stories Told By Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Potty Edition

Did you enjoy this post? Share the Love!

Photo by JESSE LEAKE on Unsplash

This post may contain advertisements and/or links for products and services that I value. I offer recommendations to products and/or services that I find helpful in my own life as a mom. I may receive a commission based on viewer purchases or interactions with these ads. You will NOT be charged any extra money. All prices will stay the same for you whether your purchase items/services through links found on this site or not! 

 

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:

A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms

Check out the rest of this series!!

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 21 Reasons A Mom’s Shower Can’t Exceed 6 Minutes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 20 Unlucky Embarrassing Mom Moments

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Over 60 Insanely Awesome Child Quotes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Things that Really Should be Weird… But Just Seem Normal to Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Dirty Talk for Moms

 

That’s right!! Scary Mom-Nightmares: Potty Edition is finally here!

We can’t even begin to talk about the crazy things that happen to us as parents without hitting on pee and poop!!! 

Pee and poop is the essence of insane parenting moments!

That’s why we all LOVE potty training so much. HAHAHAHAHA (slow insane laugh….)

So what awesome potty stories do you have??

Check out this list of over 20 great potty stories that will have you rolling on the floor laughing out loud-

AND don’t forget to share your own potty stories in the comments below!!!

Here they are! 21 of the best (or worst??) potty stories told by moms!

1. Peeing Outside

My family took a trip to the zoo.

It was so great, until I turned around and my son was peeing into the plants outside the exhibits right off the main walkway, where he was getting lots of attention from other visitors!

All I could think to choke out in response was, “We’ve talked about this!”

Somehow, I don’t think that made me sound any more normal to the other visitors.

2. Doggy Style

We were visiting a friend’s house for a play date. I was inside chatting with the other moms and all the kids were out playing in the yard.

One of the moms sheepishly touched my shoulder and pointed to the back yard. That’s never a good sign!

I looked through the window to see my 7 year old in a squatting position, pooping right in our friend’s yard!

]After cleaning up the mess, I pulled her aside and asked why she did that. She explained, “Toby (our dog) does it!”

3. Cheer Leader

Nothing beats pooping in a public restroom (as if that’s not bad enough already) with a newly potty trained 3 year old cheering me on, loud enough for the whole store to hear!

“Mommy- YOU POOPED!!”

“Wow, mommy, great job peeing in the potty!”

I couldn’t be mad… All I could say was, “Thank you sweetie.”

4. Ice Cream!

I was cooking dinner. My toddler had taken off her diaper without me knowing.

One of my older kids interrupted my cooking with, “Look mom, an ice cream cone!” pointing at the bench by the kitchen table.

I was so confused, so I came to see. There on the bench lay a nice large turd, in the perfect shape (and I kid you not, the exact color scheme!!) of an ice cream cone.

5. Tired of the Wait

We were on a road trip and stopped to use the bathroom at a gas station. It was one of those single-stall, men/women restrooms.

I let my little one go first, and asked him to wait inside the bathroom while I went. I was still going when he got tired of waiting for me and burst open the door.

Just in time for me to make eye contact with the (rather attractive!) man outside who was waiting to use the restroom. And we just maintained eye contact for like 10 seconds as the door to the restroom slowly, slowly swung shut again.

Ahhh!

6. Responsible Neighbors

One summer, our family was playing outside. Our son was in the process of potty training. He was playing in a kiddie pool, wearing only shorts with no underwear.

Well, I guess he needed to poop but he didn’t say anything.

Instead, he let that turd fall right out the leg of his shorts onto the sidewalk… where it sat undisturbed and unnoticed… UNTIL…

Our neighbors walked by, asked if we got a dog, and told us we needed to be responsible and clean up after it!

7. Snack Time

My daughter was just walking. She had a bad diaper rash, so I was letting her hang out naked for a bit to air out.

After a few minutes, I looked over and noticed her crouched down behind the arm of the couch. When I went to see what was going on, she had pooped on the floor.

And she was eating it!!! AHHHHH!

We were new parents, so my husband and I totally freaked out.

After a few minutes of running around and yelling confused directions at each other, trying to figure out what to do, we finally washed her mouth at least 10 times, and it just seemed like we could still smell it on her breath! Eww!

8. When you Teach your Child TOO WELL

Another public restroom mishap… I took my little one into the stall with me. I went potty first, then tried to help him up onto the toilet.

He yelled, “Ewww, Mom! Don’t touch me with your poop hands!”

I could hear laughter echoing… coming from all the other stalls.

9. Getting Technical

We were out playing at a neighbor’s house.

Because parenting is what it is, I reminded him beforehand NOT to poop in the yard.

So… naturally…. when my son had to go, he climbed the tree, squatted, and pooped on a branch. Amazing.

And technically- as he reminds me still to this day- he DID follow my directions.

10. Time for New Flooring!

My child pooped on the carpet.

Ok, no big deal for a parent. We deal with this every day.

But he wasn’t done yet!

Then got down on his hands and knees. And rubbed his poop into a giant patch of brown as far as his arms could reach.

By the time I found him, just a few seconds later, it was smeared deep into the fibers of the carpet… not to mention all over on his hands, in his hair, and on his face too.

Great!

two children playing under umbrella on seashore

11. Double the Trouble

My kids are “Irish twins”- you know, two pregnancies and two kids born in the same year of each other?

Well, because of their close age, they were both newly potty trained at the same time.

We decided to take a trip to the zoo. I was so excited to show them the monkeys and the elephant for the first time! They were at the perfect age to soak it up. I could just see their faces filled with amazement and excitement!!!

Right outside the zoo, they BOTH peed their pants. At. The. Exact. Same. Time.

We turned around and got right back in the car.

12. Gravity Sucks

My husband and I were enjoying a walk down the board walk along the beach during our lovely family vacation.

We had a couple kids walking alongside us and one sitting up on my husband’s shoulders.

My husband randomly said, “Honey. Come here please.” There was something about his tone… You know, the tone that parents use to communicate to each other in a second that all is very very wrong.

Turns out, my poor kid wasn’t feeling so well… And the poop couldn’t be contained in his pants… And my poor husband now had diarrhea all down his back!

13. Whaaaaaa……

I remember being out with another couple. They brought their little baby (the third child) along because she was too young to be left with a babysitter.

Well, the baby had a blowout. Totally normal, right?

This mom was freaking out and had absolutely no idea what to do because none of her other babies had ever had a blowout! And this was her third child!

I couldn’t believe it, and I couldn’t help but sit back with my arms folded across my chest and chuckle as she tried to figure out what to do with poop dripping down the baby’s back, neck, arms, legs, and clothes.

She was so surprised when the poop got on HER clothes and hands.

Ok, of course, I stepped in and offered her a spare set of clothes (I keep those in my car AT ALL TIMES because my kids are normal and have blowouts like every other day!).

I just can’t get over the fact that she had never seen a blowout in THREE KIDS! THREE!

14. Tell Me It’s Chocolate…

My niece had this thing about putting her hands down her diaper. It seemed like we were always reminding her to take her hands out there.

As if that isn’t bad enough… she was a thumb sucker.

Can you see where this is going?

One day, I found her with chocolate all over her face. I couldn’t figure out where she got it from. All of our chocolate was kept in tall cupboards.

Oh wait.

If only it were chocolate! But it wasn’t.

15. She’s Got All the Solutions

When my son was a baby, he had a stinky diaper. I left to get the supplies I needed to change him.

During the 5 seconds I was gone, my sweet helpful daughter got sick of the poop smell. With logic that only a 5 year old can understand, she sprayed him with Febreze head to toe!

She didn’t get it in his eyes or face (thankfully!!!), but she did soak his hair with it.

Problem solved!

16. Don’t You Love It When Kids Think Of Their Own Jokes?

The kid: “Knock knock.”

Me: “Who’s there?”

The Kid: “Poopy Pee.”

Me… getting reluctant to participate: “Poopy Pee who?”

The Kid: Squats down in a crouching position and grunts. Wow.

17. What’s Going On In There??

From inside a public bathroom, my child yells to me, “Mom, there’s Santa! Come get Santa!”

Who…

What?

How?

I don’t know what to do with that.

18. Effective Communication

I don’t know where this came from, but my little girl (age 2ish) used to tell me when her diaper was poopy by saying, “Poopygins!”

I swear I didn’t teach her that.

19. Nice Comeback

While potty training my daughter, we had yet another accident.

No big deal, I’m used to that.

But I wasn’t prepared for my daughter’s rebuttal, “I’m so sorry mom! You don’t understand what I did wrong.”

boy wearing teal and black striped t-shirt holding toy

20. Righteous Anger

My youngest confessed to my oldest child that he had peed on his boot.

The sweet older brother wasn’t even mad.

He was innocently replying that it was ok when the youngest cut him off, yelling, “You go to school and I WORK all the time!”

Somebody’s got a guilty conscience.

21. Sleep Walking Peeing?

Is sleep peeing a thing? I think it is… and here’s my proof.

I love raising boys, but the peeing thing can get really out of hand. I’ve had several instances when I wake up in the middle of the night to some noise. When I drag myself out of bed to check it out, I find one of my boys, apparently asleep, peeing on random objects in the house.

  • My bedpost
  • The sugar jar (Yes- the one up on the counter… he climbed a chair and peed in it while sleeping!)
  • The empty space next to the toilet (at least he was close this time)
  • Various pieces of furniture (tables, chairs, couches….)

 

There you have it! All the best mom experiences with pee and poop!

But I bet there are more out there that we haven’t heard yet… am I right?

What awesome potty stories do you have?? Share them in the comments below!

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

 

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Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that? 

It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!

I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.

I also worked as a parent educator!

All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here! 

Did you enjoy this post? Share the Love!
Scary Mom Nightmares- Things that Should Be Weird... But Just Seem Normal to Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Things that Really Should be Weird… But Just Seem Normal to Moms

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Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

This post may contain advertisements and/or links for products and services that I value. I offer recommendations to products and/or services that I find helpful in my own life as a mom. I may receive a commission based on viewer purchases or interactions with these ads. You will NOT be charged any extra money. All prices will stay the same for you whether your purchase items/services through links found on this site or not! 

 

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:

A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 21 Reasons A Mom’s Shower Can’t Exceed 6 Minutes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 20 Unlucky Embarrassing Mom Moments

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Over 60 Insanely Awesome Child Quotes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Potty Edition

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Dirty Talk for Moms

 

Moms, do you ever look around at your life and think, “Huh… I never thought about it… but what the heck????” 

I sure do.

There’s a lot of weird mommy quirks that we are so used to! But we probably look crazy as all get out to strangers on the street who watch us as we drag our kiddos along to get our errands done.

Here’s a few of the odd… and yet normal… parts of mom life, brought to you by moms who know exactly what you’re experiencing!

1. The Zombie Mode

I know you know what I’m talking about!

That glazed-over, I can’t take another step or deal with another thing, the day is over at 6pm survival mode!

It’s the Zombie Mode that leads to accidental promises like:

“Can I please have spaghetti tacos for dinner??”

“Oh yeah honey, sure. Dinner is soon.”

2. Pee

It squirts everywhere, it soaks into carpet, it defies the laws of gravity, and it always smells. Like forever.

I could sniff out every place where I’ve ever had to clean up pee in my house… like a hound dog. Not that I would need to, those memories are etched into my brain.

3. Poop

Oh, poop.

It’s all normal now.

  • Poop on me,
  • poop up the baby’s back,
  • poop on the toys,
  • poop in the cracks.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

4. Memorizing my child’s library.

“Sure sweetie, I’ll read you Green Eggs and Ham. Did you want to actually see the pictures or should I just start reciting?”

assorted books in shallow focus photography

5. That’s Embarrassing…

Or at least, it would be if I cared to stop and think about it…

You know you’re a mom when you don’t flinch at socially inappropriate comments yelled to you across the aisle at the store, or through the bathroom stalls, or over three tables of strangers at a restaurant.

“My wiener looks weird!” is sure to being a gasp and a blush from a rookie, but a seasoned mom just yells right back, “Why are you looking at it HERE??”

6. Oh, Sorry. I Forgot.

“What was that important thing… Oh well, it doesn’t matter.”

Mommy brain is real, people.

And you know what else it is??? A real EXCUSE! Milk that one, mamas!

7. Constant Noise!

“Can you hear me now? Oh well.”

I haven’t participated in a calm, focused, uninterrupted conversation in 12 years.

But I am getting very good at multitasking and filtering out the important stuff, like “I have to pee!”

8. Constant Clutter

The whisk is in the toy bin and the duck tape is in the freezer. Whatever.

You know you’re a real mommy when you take a look around, sigh a little, plop your exhausted butt onto the couch, and turn on Netflix!

Of course- there is one perk to the clutter issue. Next time your kid asks, “Mommy, can I have a new toy?” all you have to say is, “Sure, you just have to find one in your room.”

I promise, there’s a toy in there he didn’t know he owned!

9. Sibling Arguments

“I don’t care who’s right, what matters here is that you two reach a solution on your own… as in, without me.”

Now that’s good parenting full of perks for you! Well done mom!

10. Throw Up

Ok, we’ve already covered pee and poop. Now, we just have to hit puke.

You know what, let’s just make this easy- Moms deal with all bodily fluids. All the time.

Until it’s just like, “Whatever, a little day old, half-digested, full of stomach acid, leftover spaghetti can’t scare ME!” 

And then, one day, you reach that magical age when your kids are old enough to clean up their own puke! And then it’s like, “Whoa, I can’t believe I ever touched that stuff! You have fun with that.” 

short-coated brown puppy on white floor

11. An Audience while I Pee

Let’s see… we’ve got the 5 year old asking for snacks, the 3 year old climbing onto my lap, the baby crawling through the cabinets…. and the dog staring at me from the doorway.

Great, everyone’s here. Let’s get started.

12. An Audience while Pooping

You might think this is the same. But it’s very different.

You thought you had stage fright before! Just try to go #2 with all that pressure!

13. I’m a Jungle Gym. It’s Fine.

The sooner you accept it, the happier your life will be. Your identify has changed from an independent woman to the most entertaining of children’s climbing toys.

When I sit on the couch, I’ve got a kid crawling up the headrest and onto my shoulders.

When I lay down, my toddler instantly sits on my forehead.

When I stand, I’m a fire pole.

When I try to run away, I’ve got three kids sitting on each foot. There’s no escape!

14. Did Those Words Just Come Out of MY Mouth?

Oh, the crazy things you never thought you’d say.

Moms are full of, “The dog doesn’t like it when you put your underwear on his head” and “It’s impolite to poop in the neighbor’s tree.”

15. Boogers

Oh, just when we thought we were done with bodily fluids, allergy season hits or your kid gets a cold.

“Do we have a tissue around? No? We’ll just have to use the inside of your shirt.”

Problem solved!

man wiping mouse with tissue paper

16. That Sarcastic Voice in Your Head

Now, moms have to be good examples, so they’re not free to say what they think and feel all the time.

That’s what your secret, in-your-head, Sarcastic Mom Friend is for! Kinda like your child’s Imaginary Friend, except a lot funnier.

  • “Mom, can I watch TV?” I don’t know, did we just finish four episodes of Dora the Explorer and a full-length Disney movie?? I’m not sure how many more of your brain cells I can allow to die off in one day… but it it’s a sustainable amount, sure, you can watch TV! 
  • “Is dinner almost ready?” I don’t know, did you plant the wheat, harvest it, take it to the mill to make flour, mix the ingredients, and bake the bread? HUH, HENNY PENNY??? 
  • “She’s hitting me!” Did you deserve it?? 

17. A Constant Frenzy

Where’s the baby? What’s for dinner? Why are there no clean clothes in the closet? What time was that appointment? Where is your left shoe? Why are your clothes on backwards? Did you just hit your sister? Did you practice your piano? What do you mean the dog ate your homework? When is the last time we fed the dog? Who’s in charge of cleaning the bathroom? Where are you going? When are you coming home? Why do I keep mixing up my kids’ names? Is it bedtime yet?

Why am I going insane??

I love you!

18. Second Guessing Everything

Being a mom means developing a healthy level of trust issues.

After all, you can’t always take a 3 year old’s word… or a 5 year old’s word… or a 7 year old’s word… or a teenager’s word…

“Mom, I’m sick.” Ooooooh, REALLY?????

19. Hiding from the Kids

Where’s the most relaxing place in the world for a mom?

Tucked deep into her closet, behind the dresses where she can’t be spotted, with the door locked, eating her secret stash of chocolate.

Ahhh, I think I’ll go there now.

woman sitting near outdoor plants during daytime

20. Getting 80% Done with 40% Battery

Moms don’t mess around! Even when the going gets tough, moms buckle down and get sh!% done!!

Even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling inadequate, and don’t know what to do, you take care of those cute kids.

Because you’re a mom.

It’s crazy to other people, but to you, it’s just life!

21. An Insane, Unthinkable, Deep, Overarching, Long-suffering, Abiding Love

People without kids don’t get us moms.

They can’t understand why we do what we do, why we put up with everything, why we sacrifice so much.

There’s no way to explain to them how deeply and unconditionally you love those sweeties.

They’ll never quite understand. And you’ll just keep smiling to yourself because there’s just no way to tell them.

It’s crazy to them, but it’s normal to you.

 

I hope this brought you a smile or a chuckle today. You deserve it, mama.

Notice the crazy, unique things about parenthood. They’re the fun and crazy and unique things that keep us on our toes and keep us laughing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

Need some time to yourself?

Check out this FREE Parent’s Guide to Self-Care to help you decompress and feel right with the world again!

Free Self Care Guide 2

 

Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that? 

It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!

I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.

I also worked as a parent educator!

All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here! 

Did you enjoy this post? Share the Love!
Scary Mom Nightmares Series- Over 60 Awesome Child Quotes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Over 60 Insanely Awesome Child Quotes

Did you enjoy this post? Share the Love!

Photo by Giovanna Gomes on Unsplash

This post may contain advertisements and/or links for products and services that I value. I offer recommendations to products and/or services that I find helpful in my own life as a mom. I may receive a commission based on viewer purchases or interactions with these ads. You will NOT be charged any extra money. All prices will stay the same for you whether your purchase items/services through links found on this site or not! 

 

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:

A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 20 Unlucky Embarrassing Mom Moments

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: 21 Reasons A Mom’s Shower Can’t Exceed 6 Minutes

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Things that Really Should be Weird… But Just Seem Normal to Moms

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Category: Potty Edition

Scary Mom-Nightmares Series- Dirty Talk for Moms

 

Moms, what insane comments have your kids made over the years?? 

I bet you’ve got some embarrassing ones, probably a few scary ones, and lots of funny ones!

WARNING- I know, the topic of this series is Scary Mom Nightmares…. But I did not stick to only SCARY kid quotes. There were just too many that were adorable, sweet, and awesome! So they’re all in here!

Enjoy!

boy wearing teal and black striped t-shirt holding toy

1) Watch Out!

My son had a bruise on his shin. His dad asked where he got it from.

His response, “A radioactive octopus came out of the drain and got me!”

2) Quick! Get to the Doctor!

A four-year old was sitting in the bathtub when he felt his nuts. He said, “Mom, Call the doctor! There’s a ball in me and it needs to get out!

3) Venus… The Planet…

Have you ever seen the planet Venus in the sky? Every once and a while you can see it with the naked eye.

On the way into a store, I pointed it out to my little one. As we checked out, she told the cashier, “Mommy showed me pee-nus outside!”

4) No Party for Me

It was my toddler’s second birthday. I was so excited for her party!

She was enjoying playing with cousins and friends. I eagerly told her, “Honey, it’s time to start your party now! It’s going to be so fun!”

Without skipping a beat, she yelled back at me int he most growl-y  voice a little pig-tailed girl can muster, “No! PLAY!”

5) Guest Room?

My 8 year old niece was over at my house. My husband had just built me a new bed frame, complete with awesome storage space underneath!

She was excited to see it, so I walked her in to our room to show her.

After she ooo-ed and awww-ed at the bed frame, I showed her the open storage areas underneath. Her eyes lit up and she said, “Oh, that’s so perfect! Like when people come to stay with you, they can sleep down there!”

6) Beauty Pageant

6 year old girl: “My hair is cute, but daddy’s beard hair is SOOOO CUTE!”

7) Sneaky!

A family (6 year old girl, 4 year old boy, and an infant) was riding in the car together. The mom overheard this conversation between her children, as they oogled over the baby:

Girl- “I’m going to marry the baby when I grow up!”

Boy- “Yeah, I’ll marry him too!”

Girl- “You can’t marry him, I’m already going to marry him.”

Boy- “Well then I’ll marry mommy!”

Girl- “You can’t marry mommy either. She’s already married to daddy.”

The boy stops to think for a minute or two, then concludes, “But daddy goes to work!” 

8) This Is the Greatest Show!

Dad carried all three kids into the house to help mom after a long grocery trip.

His first-grade son says, “Daddy, you need to join the circus cause you’re so strong!” 

9) Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

My son told me that his friend, Lexi, wanted to marry him.

I asked, “Do you want to marry her too?”

He was very giggly and nervous, but he said, “Maybe. I love her.” Then he got serious, and added, “I like her face, but sometimes she looks like a pig.” 

bride and groom on green grass field

10) Who… Whaaaaa….

Out of nowhere, my child asked me, “Are Jason and Satan friends?” 

11) You Can’t Argue with That Logic

My little girl (about 7 years old) was watching Duck Dynasty. On the show, they shot a duck to eat.

My little girl said, “Ewwww, gross!”

I quickly told her that she didn’t have to watch it, to which she responded, “But mom, it’s my favorite show!!” 

12) What’s Daddy Doing?

When my husband was in school, “Daddy can’t play, he’s practicing his paper.”

13) Love All Around!

A cute girl expressing her love for her family: “I love mommy, I love daddy, I love my Ennis, and I love my Luke, and…… I love myself!” 

14) Mary Poppins Mindset

Dad (trying to help his daughter get dressed) chose some underwear for her.

Unimpressed with his choice, she said, “Dad, those ones are practically dirty.” Alright, Mary Poppins. 

15) Mom’s In Trouble

I was on the phone and was looking for a quiet place to talk, so I sat on the stairs.

My daughter came around the corner, very concerned, and asked, “Mom, are you in time out?” 

16) Mean Dog

We had just had puppies at our house. The mama dog was licking and caring for the puppies.

My toddler came to me SOOOO angry- just shaking mad- and stuttered out, “Roxy- Not nice!! BITE!” 

17) Stripping

My husband took his shirt off on a hot day.

My son said, “Glad you didn’t take your pants off…” 

18) The Pretty Dream

My daughter is the sweetest ever: “Mom, I need to tell ya something…. I took a pretty pretty dream! It was a flower and it was pink! And I picked it for you, Mom!” 

19) Awww!

“Sometimes, I like to say ‘I love ya mom’ all the time!”

two child hugging in front of field

20) The One From Every Mom Everywhere

Who hasn’t heard this one??

Kid: “Mommy, mommy!!”

Mom: “Yes?”

Kid: “Umm…. I love you.”

It still melts my heart!

21) Creepy Child

Sometimes children are creepy….

“Every day, I come in and I wait for you to wake up.”

Oh, that’s great, son….

22) Clean Up Time

While cleaning their room together, my daughter said kindly to my son, “I found your monkey for you!”

Then, holding her arms out wide, “Now come give me a hug and smile at me!” 

23) Speedy Daddy

“Dad ran fast as 100 dollars!”

I wish I could run that fast…. Then I wouldn’t be so poor.

24) Descriptive and Accurate

While walking through a store, my child saw a cute rustic soap dish.

She asked me, “Oooooh, what’s this?”

Me: “It’s just a kind of decoration.”

Her: “Oh, it’s so beautiful, it looks like singing!” 

25) New Skills

Kid: “I got my clothes on all by myself!”

Me: “Good job pumpkin.”

Kid: “Now I look like a p….. (long pause for effect)…. A person!” She walked away with a satisfied smile. 

26) The Phone Mishap

I dropped my BRAND NEW phone right in the toilet. (You all know how that feels!)

Soon, we had to leave to pick up my husband from work. I was less than excited to have to tell him about the phone.

My son said, “I want to say a prayer for you mom.” Awww!!

Here’s what he prayed for, “Please bless mom’s phone, and please bless daddy. He’s going to be pissed.”

(Circumstantially, I had just asked my husband not to say pissed in front of the kids that same day!)

27) Did You Sleep Good?

When my kids wake up, my first question is always, “Did you sleep good?”

Lately, my little boy has been beating me to it with, “Mom, I weep good!” 

28) Oh My….

Out of surprise, my little said, “Oh my cow!”

I’m guessing this is a mush of “oh my goodness” and “holy cow?”

29) Distaste!

Instead of saying, “I don’t like (whatever)” my son grimaces dramatically, sighs, and declares, “I CAN’T wike it!” 

Like he’s trying so hard.

30) MOST ADORABLE KID IN THE WORLD AWARD!

Ok, my son definitely wins.

Check him out- I was folding laundry one day and told him that I was feeling really tired. He let out an “awwww!”, gave me a big hug, and said firmly, “I take you yours bed.”

I protested- telling him that I still had to fold the clothes. He would not be swayed- “I do it myself.”

Then he took me by my hand and guided me to my room. I laid down in bed and he covered me with a blanket. Later he brought in a cookie sheet with a couple chocolate chips on it. “I bring you yours lunch.”

I asked if he could help his little sister, who was fussing. He put her in her bed with a sippy cup and calmed her right down.

That cutie melts my heart! He was only 5 years old! 

men's black crew neck shirt

31) Mushman!

When my son was young, he said to his dad, “Your face, mushman!”

We couldn’t figure out what he meant for a while… but we finally connected the dots.

He remembered having a mustache drawn on his face for Halloween and he wanted his daddy to have one too!

32) Puppy??

My daughter calls all animals puppy.

Lately, that word also applies to her Uncle Stephen because of his beard! 

33) Burp… Or Not?

My son started giggling out of nowhere.

He leaned over to his dad and whispered, “I burped in my pants.” 

34) What’s that Green Holiday?

A little confusion about St. Patrick’s Day, “Today is Pinch Patch Day… I mean Thanks Pinch Day…?” 

35) Sincere Prayer of a 4 Year Old

Another adorable prayer, “Thankful for…. Some stuff. And we’re glad… about something.”

36) Hint: Tiny Presents Don’t Taste Good

My son thought a beef bouillon cube was chocolate so he popped it in his mouth and ate it… This is what he told me, “Yuck! There was a tiny present I ate and it was so gross!!!” 

37) Mature Response to Adversity

I forgot to buy milk at the store.

My understanding child let out a weary sigh, like he had dealt with so much today, and said, “It’s for the best.” 

38) Nice Cover Up

As I was helping my child prepare a presentation, I asked her what she wanted to say.

She took a deep breath, and blurted out in a loud voice, “Hello boys and girls, I’m not very frightened today.” 

39) Who Am I?

I worked with children in their homes helping them overcome behavioral problems.

One day, I was asked to fill in for a staff who was sick. I went to the home and greeted the child warmly.

He gave me a disgusted look and said, “No matter how much makeup you put on, I can still recognize you- Candice!”

I am not Candice….

closeup photo of woman using lipstick

40) Get To Know You

During a get to know you game, my child was asked, “Where’s the coziest place in your home?”

Her answer was, “In my bed and on daddy!” 

41) The Food Pet

We were eating Roman for dinner.

At one point, my son held up a fork full of noodles and asked his sister, “Do you want to pet it??”

Of course, she did pet his noodles. Great.

After the giggling ended, he ate the noodles. His sister quickly objected, “Hey! You just ate your pet!” 

42) Great Focus!

Dad: “In Japan, they eat a lot more rice and fish.”

Daughter: “Ahhhh. I love chicken wings.”

43) What Words Start with A???

We were playing an animal ABC game. You are supposed to name an animal that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

My daughter got us started right with “Ass” for letter A.

I mean… she’s not wrong…

44) Safety First

My son had just watched Jurassic Park for the first time. We were asking him if he got scared.

My daughter, who hadn’t seen it yet, piped in with, “I think I want to wear my life jacket when I try it.” ]

Sure sweetie… That’ll help.

45) Keep it School Appropriate

“Why do they talk about being animals in that song (Would You Like to Swing on A Star) because animals are naked and nobody thinks about that and it would be inappropriate to told kids at school.”

Wow, how do you argue with those points?

46) Why I Should Stay Fat

My son was thinking over a commercial he saw for some weight loss product.

He said, “I think people should keep their weight. You know why? Because then, no one could get them because they couldn’t carry them.”

Good point. I think I’ll have a slice of cake.

47) Confession

The dinner table was quiet until, “IT WAS ME… TOOTING!”

Thank you for your confession…?

48) Like… What?

“I’m growing bigger, just like a flower flake!”

49) Gross!

I accidentally sneezed on my son.

He got upset and said, “Don’t bless me mom!” 

woman's hair covering her face near body of water

50) Hairy Stuff

Backstory- my husband is bald and I have long flow-y hair.

I went through a phase after giving birth to my last child where I lost a lot of hair… and my poor family kept finding strands of hair in their food! Ahhh!

During one unfortunate night, my poor husband had this happen to him. My kids watched with wide eyes as he choked and sputtered.

Then my son volunteered, “Maybe dad should do the cooking?” 

51) Simple Solution

Kid: “We need to save these cupcakes for Halloween!”

Me: “Halloween is too far away.”

Kid: “We can drive to it!”

52) Fantasies of a Four Year Old

My daughter got a princess sticker from the doctor.

My youngest son looked at the princess and said, “I love her! I kissed her in my dreams!”

53) Oopsies…

My son told his grandma: “My penis was stuck in my diaper like this (points finger straight up) and it hurt!”

Grandma: “Does it hurt now?”

The kid: “No, I saved it.” 

54) I Don’t Understand.

“Hey mom, if my tummy was a spoon, I would scoop up my teacher in the pool and all my friends.”

55) Natural Kindness from Nowhere

“I care about ducks.”

Oh. Good?

56) Congratulations!

When my son opened the car door all by himself, he got very excited and yelled, “Good job me!” 

57) Adult-Sized Worries

My son was playing on the playground. I followed him around, while talking to my husband on the phone.

Randomly, he got very serious, looked off into the distance, and solemnly said, “You are just so far away, and I know you’re riding on a roller coaster.” 

58) Don’t Ask

Grandpa: “How was school?”

My son: “It’s private.” 

59) High Standards

“I want to marry someone like mom. She’s not THAT beautiful, but she is very very very cute.” 

Ummm… Thank you?? I guess?

toddler pouring sand in brown wooden fence

60) Pretend… Or Real??… Stories

“One time, I was choking on a bubble and then I got it out of my throat. And I put it in my jacket and I took it out and put it in a night light in my room. (Chuckles hysterically) Remember how funny that was, mom?”

A little while later and after a few more awesome stories, he blurts out, “I just made those up! Hahahahahah!”

Then, he suddenly stops mid laugh and says in a deep, serious voice, “Nope. They’re real.” 

62) Getting Crafty

My daughter liked to sit by the same girl every day at school.

But then one day, the girl decided to sit by someone else.

My daughter was very sad about it, but I tried to calm her down. I told her, “Don’t worry honey, there are lots of nice kids in your class. You might find more girls that you like to sit by. Maybe it’s time to make some new friends.”

She looked up at my through tear filled eyes, looking very confused. “Out of what??” she asked. 

63) Hard Work… No Thanks!

I was babysitting a few of my nieces and nephews for a weekend.

Our house is heated entirely by wood stove, so one of our constant chores is bringing in wood for the stove.

I put on a big smile and excitedly told the kids that they get to help me! I tried to make it sound so excited and fun! The older two (9 and 7) fell for it right away- running outside to get some firewood.

The youngest saw through me right away. After my best efforts to be fun and exciting, he looked right at me and said calmly, “I won’t be doing that.” 

64) Pregnant??

My nephew looked me up and down.

He informed me, “You know how I know you’re going to have a baby soon? Your tummy is big, like this (he used his hand to show a big bump on my belly.”

I was a little annoyed until I took a pregnancy test…

He called it.

65) Deer Crossing

Have you seen those deer crossing signs on the highways? You know, the kind that warn drivers that there might be deer in the area?

One ten year old girl asked her family, “How do the deer know to follow the sign to cross the road right here?”

The family thought it was pretty funny, so they teased her for a while about it.

Until her older sister (thirteen) finally joined in, “I always wondered that too.”  

66) Who’s Wearing What?

I was in a hurry to get my kids ready and running late.

I tried to get my oldest daughter to help the toddler get undressed so that he was ready for me to dress as soon as I finished dressing the four year old.

I told her, “Take off Charlie’s shirt.”

She stood still and looked at me with a weird look.

Noticing her hesitation, I repeated the instruction, “Leslie, take off Charlie’s shirt!”

I was getting a little frustrated since we were late.

Finally, she started crying and said, “I haven’t got it on!” 

67) Awesome Mispronunciations:

  • Roman Noodles= Robin Nerdles
  • Scrambled Eggs= Grumbled Eggs
  • Vitamin C= Bite-a-min Seed
  • Each other’s= Your chuthers “
  • Apricot Jam= Apple crisp jam
  • Mashed potatoes= Smashed potatoes
  • Making Sure= Make Suring
  • Sandwich= Chommers
  • Doctor Raj= Doctor Garage
  • Popsicles= Applepus or Apple-coops

man hiding behind the curtain

I’m still laughing!!

Oh man.

What stories do you have to add to this list?? I know your kids have said some cute/awesome/hilarious/inappropriate things too! Share them in the comments below!

And as always, a special THANK YOU to all the moms who shared these awesome stories with us!

We moms needed a good laugh to keep us going. Keep an eye out for the next chuckles coming up in our Scary Mom-Nightmares Series!

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

 

Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that? 

It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!

I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.

I also worked as a parent educator!

All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here! 

 

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