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Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:
A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms
We all know relationships get a little wacko after we become parents.
It seems impossible to find time to eat, sleep, and shower- let alone connect with your spouse.
That’s when we get creative… and maybe a little desperate.
As always, these are real stories, told by fellow-moms who’ve been there, done that! Here’s our best tips from mom to mom on how to get some!
1) Crazy Places
Hey, beggars can’t be choosers! When moms and dads need a little something, we go for it ANYWHERE we can!
A few moms I talked to tried having sex in:
- The golf course
- The labor and delivery room
- The kids’ rooms when they’re supposed to be cleaning them… After all, this is the last place they’d be!
- The spooky basement or garage. Again, all we’re looking for here is a little privacy.
- The closet.
- Anywhere besides the bedroom because that’s the first place they’ll come looking for us!!
I even talked to one mom who had a standing challenge with several other couples to see who could do it in the craziest places. I guess parenthood drives us to a little insanity anyways… we might as well enjoy it!
I’ve said a lot of things with a double goal in mind- to strengthen my marriage and also get a few things done around the house at the same time.
Turns out that bribes are a common method for women! Of course, dads also make promises in exchange for a little fun.
I’ve heard plenty of basic ones, like:
- “I will if you take out the trash.”
- “I will if you get up with the baby.”
- “I will if you take the kids for an hour.”
- “I will if you make dinner.”
But there’s no end to what one or both spouse(s) will do to get a little sugar! Here’s a few of the more exciting bribes/promises I heard from moms and dads who really needed it!
- “I will if you clean up the puke.” Oh man. Disgusting… but worth it!
- “I’ll give you a week of sex every day for one night out with my friends.” Hey, that sounds like a win, win for everyone!
- “You won’t have to change single diaper today if we get to have sex.” And this couple had THREE kids in diapers! That’s a committed spouse!
- “I’ll watch Dora the Explorer with the toddler in the morning so that you can sleep in if we can have some fun now.” My personal favorite! That’s a major sacrifice! What a loving partner!
- “I’ll do whatever you want if you just get me some fried chicken.” Pregnancy cravings… what can we say?
Of course, we would totally put out even if our husband didn’t do all that. He’s too hot to resist (and parents are constantly starving for a little fun….) but shhhhhh! Don’t tell! I really don ‘t want to clean the puke!
3) “On your birthday….” turns into “When the kids go to sleep….”
There are no sexier words than “They’re all asleep!!
But don’t get your hopes up. I’ve heard all the stories of parents who were interrupted from their “recreational activities” in the middle of the night by:
- nighttime feedings for newborns,
- babies who lose their pacifiers in the middle of the night,
- toddlers who wake up randomly at 2am,
- young children who wet the bed,
- older children who have nightmares,
- and teenagers who try to sneak in or out of the house early in the morning.
Better get it while you can! Sleeping kids don’t sleep for long!
As I was saying, parents gotta get it when they can! That means that any 15 minute activity that will keep the kids occupied means play time for mom and dad too!
If you’re dying for a little somethin’, try these moms suggestions:
- Nap Time for kids is nap time for parents too!
- Lunch and snacks are great distractions! Kids are less likely to bother you if they’re eating! If you get desperate, pull out the ice cream or the candy. A little unhealthy food is worth the fun you’ll have!
- Play Dates are the best! You’ll have the house to yourself for an hour or so! Jackpot!!
- When kids play outside. You didn’t really think the big push to get kids to play outside was just for exercise and good health, did you?? Well, actually, now that I think of it, I guess it is. For mom and dad too.
- During an episode of Daniel Tiger. Oh yeah, those are 20 minutes long! That’s plenty of time for a quickie!!!
- When mom comes back to the bedroom after nursing the baby at 2am… “Hey, if you’re already awake, why not??”
Of course… all this planning does’t make us perfect!
Many parents have been caught in the act. Hey, what can we say, all these crazy attempts to get a little sugar don’t always work out.
Here’s a few of the stories I’ve heard from moms:
- I was visiting my family for a holiday. They don’t believe in locking doors… but I thought they believed in knocking! My sister walked in on me and my wife… She got a nice view of my full moon.
- My four year old niece burst into the room where my husband and I were messing around, just seconds after we got our clothes back on! Phew, close one!
- We had family in town staying at our place for a few weeks. Needless to say, we couldn’t last that long without a little fun! So we tried to sneak away whenever we could. My house has very thin walls…. One time, we had a little fun and walked back into the living room to several pale, awkward faces… Nobody would make eye contact. Nobody seemed to know what to talk about. Woops…
- My husband and I were right in the middle of the act when we heard a tiny voice say, “What are you doing?” It was my 6 year old son, whose ninja skills still amaze me. We had no idea he came in the room!
Have you ever been caught in the act? Do you have great advice on how to get some for busy parents? Share your story in the comments below!
I can’t wait to hear more mommy dirty talk!
And I especially can’t wait to try out some of your suggestions… I’m always looking for new ideas to test out with my hot husband!
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Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that?
It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!
I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.
I also worked as a parent educator!
All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here!