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Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:
A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms
Moms, do you ever look around at your life and think, “Huh… I never thought about it… but what the heck????”
I sure do.
There’s a lot of weird mommy quirks that we are so used to! But we probably look crazy as all get out to strangers on the street who watch us as we drag our kiddos along to get our errands done.
Here’s a few of the odd… and yet normal… parts of mom life, brought to you by moms who know exactly what you’re experiencing!
1. The Zombie Mode
I know you know what I’m talking about!
That glazed-over, I can’t take another step or deal with another thing, the day is over at 6pm survival mode!
It’s the Zombie Mode that leads to accidental promises like:
“Can I please have spaghetti tacos for dinner??”
“Oh yeah honey, sure. Dinner is soon.”
It squirts everywhere, it soaks into carpet, it defies the laws of gravity, and it always smells. Like forever.
I could sniff out every place where I’ve ever had to clean up pee in my house… like a hound dog. Not that I would need to, those memories are etched into my brain.
It’s all normal now.
- Poop on me,
- poop up the baby’s back,
- poop on the toys,
- poop in the cracks.
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
4. Memorizing my child’s library.
“Sure sweetie, I’ll read you Green Eggs and Ham. Did you want to actually see the pictures or should I just start reciting?”
5. That’s Embarrassing…
Or at least, it would be if I cared to stop and think about it…
You know you’re a mom when you don’t flinch at socially inappropriate comments yelled to you across the aisle at the store, or through the bathroom stalls, or over three tables of strangers at a restaurant.
“My wiener looks weird!” is sure to being a gasp and a blush from a rookie, but a seasoned mom just yells right back, “Why are you looking at it HERE??”
6. Oh, Sorry. I Forgot.
“What was that important thing… Oh well, it doesn’t matter.”
Mommy brain is real, people.
And you know what else it is??? A real EXCUSE! Milk that one, mamas!
7. Constant Noise!
“Can you hear me now? Oh well.”
I haven’t participated in a calm, focused, uninterrupted conversation in 12 years.
But I am getting very good at multitasking and filtering out the important stuff, like “I have to pee!”
8. Constant Clutter
The whisk is in the toy bin and the duck tape is in the freezer. Whatever.
You know you’re a real mommy when you take a look around, sigh a little, plop your exhausted butt onto the couch, and turn on Netflix!
Of course- there is one perk to the clutter issue. Next time your kid asks, “Mommy, can I have a new toy?” all you have to say is, “Sure, you just have to find one in your room.”
I promise, there’s a toy in there he didn’t know he owned!
9. Sibling Arguments
“I don’t care who’s right, what matters here is that you two reach a solution on your own… as in, without me.”
Now that’s good parenting full of perks for you! Well done mom!
10. Throw Up
Ok, we’ve already covered pee and poop. Now, we just have to hit puke.
You know what, let’s just make this easy- Moms deal with all bodily fluids. All the time.
Until it’s just like, “Whatever, a little day old, half-digested, full of stomach acid, leftover spaghetti can’t scare ME!”
And then, one day, you reach that magical age when your kids are old enough to clean up their own puke! And then it’s like, “Whoa, I can’t believe I ever touched that stuff! You have fun with that.”
11. An Audience while I Pee
Let’s see… we’ve got the 5 year old asking for snacks, the 3 year old climbing onto my lap, the baby crawling through the cabinets…. and the dog staring at me from the doorway.
Great, everyone’s here. Let’s get started.
12. An Audience while Pooping
You might think this is the same. But it’s very different.
You thought you had stage fright before! Just try to go #2 with all that pressure!
13. I’m a Jungle Gym. It’s Fine.
The sooner you accept it, the happier your life will be. Your identify has changed from an independent woman to the most entertaining of children’s climbing toys.
When I sit on the couch, I’ve got a kid crawling up the headrest and onto my shoulders.
When I lay down, my toddler instantly sits on my forehead.
When I stand, I’m a fire pole.
When I try to run away, I’ve got three kids sitting on each foot. There’s no escape!
14. Did Those Words Just Come Out of MY Mouth?
Oh, the crazy things you never thought you’d say.
Moms are full of, “The dog doesn’t like it when you put your underwear on his head” and “It’s impolite to poop in the neighbor’s tree.”
Oh, just when we thought we were done with bodily fluids, allergy season hits or your kid gets a cold.
“Do we have a tissue around? No? We’ll just have to use the inside of your shirt.”
16. That Sarcastic Voice in Your Head
Now, moms have to be good examples, so they’re not free to say what they think and feel all the time.
That’s what your secret, in-your-head, Sarcastic Mom Friend is for! Kinda like your child’s Imaginary Friend, except a lot funnier.
- “Mom, can I watch TV?” I don’t know, did we just finish four episodes of Dora the Explorer and a full-length Disney movie?? I’m not sure how many more of your brain cells I can allow to die off in one day… but it it’s a sustainable amount, sure, you can watch TV!
- “Is dinner almost ready?” I don’t know, did you plant the wheat, harvest it, take it to the mill to make flour, mix the ingredients, and bake the bread? HUH, HENNY PENNY???
- “She’s hitting me!” Did you deserve it??
17. A Constant Frenzy
Where’s the baby? What’s for dinner? Why are there no clean clothes in the closet? What time was that appointment? Where is your left shoe? Why are your clothes on backwards? Did you just hit your sister? Did you practice your piano? What do you mean the dog ate your homework? When is the last time we fed the dog? Who’s in charge of cleaning the bathroom? Where are you going? When are you coming home? Why do I keep mixing up my kids’ names? Is it bedtime yet?
Why am I going insane??
I love you!
18. Second Guessing Everything
Being a mom means developing a healthy level of trust issues.
After all, you can’t always take a 3 year old’s word… or a 5 year old’s word… or a 7 year old’s word… or a teenager’s word…
“Mom, I’m sick.” Ooooooh, REALLY?????
19. Hiding from the Kids
Where’s the most relaxing place in the world for a mom?
Tucked deep into her closet, behind the dresses where she can’t be spotted, with the door locked, eating her secret stash of chocolate.
Ahhh, I think I’ll go there now.
20. Getting 80% Done with 40% Battery
Moms don’t mess around! Even when the going gets tough, moms buckle down and get sh!% done!!
Even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling inadequate, and don’t know what to do, you take care of those cute kids.
Because you’re a mom.
It’s crazy to other people, but to you, it’s just life!
21. An Insane, Unthinkable, Deep, Overarching, Long-suffering, Abiding Love
People without kids don’t get us moms.
They can’t understand why we do what we do, why we put up with everything, why we sacrifice so much.
There’s no way to explain to them how deeply and unconditionally you love those sweeties.
They’ll never quite understand. And you’ll just keep smiling to yourself because there’s just no way to tell them.
It’s crazy to them, but it’s normal to you.
I hope this brought you a smile or a chuckle today. You deserve it, mama.
Notice the crazy, unique things about parenthood. They’re the fun and crazy and unique things that keep us on our toes and keep us laughing.
Need some time to yourself?
Check out this FREE Parent’s Guide to Self-Care to help you decompress and feel right with the world again!
Who is Mrs. S… and why do people call you that?
It’s my favorite nickname! That’s what all my students call me!
I’ve been around the block a time or two. I’ve worked with children from ages 0-18, some with mental illness, some with disabilities, some with Autism, and many with behavioral problems.
I also worked as a parent educator!
All that doesn’t hold a candle to my best experience with children- being a mom. Want to learn more about me? Click here!