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Scary Mom-Nightmares Series:
A Collection of Humorous Stories from Real Moms
A mom’s shower time is short. As soon as your child is mobile, ever second you spend away from them is a gamble.
6 minutes is about the limit.
Yes, that includes undressing and dressing time. 6 minutes total.
Basically, we’re talking about the horror scene you could walk into if you leave a child (who has any sort of mobility- scooting, crawling, walking, or worse) for more than 6ish minutes, even for something as routine as showering.
You’d think you would be safe to turn on a calming show like Daniel Tiger, provide some great educational toys, and slip away for just a couple minutes…. But no.
You’re not safe.
You’re never safe.
At least it isn’t catching me by surprise anymore. At least now I expect the mayhem- but expecting and being prepared are two different things.
You can duck and cover, but that won’t help much against a grenade.
Turns out, other moms know what I’m going through. Here’s an amazing list reasons to take a short shower (based on experiences of real moms)!
It’s my hope that these things will scare new moms straight! Don’t learn by doing on this one. Just take it from us and rush through your shower. The faster the better.
If you take a shower longer than 6 minutes long, you are risking:
- Your kids lovin’ on the baby too much. Is it possible to be literally smothered in hugs and kisses??
- Battle of the siblings! Have you ever seen a war zone? I have.
- A five-year old’s redecorating skills. Maybe we could call it… modern art??
- Pee on the floor. You’d think from the toddler you’re potty training… but really, it could be anyone! And it always happens right at the moment you step into the room. So close!
- Poop on the floor. Same story.
- Dress up for the dog. He looks great in your toddler’s best church dress!
- Kids stumbling on your favorite TV shows on Netflix. Hope they’re appropriate…
- A five-year old’s best attempt to start the laundry. So nice, but we’ll have to buy more laundry soap now since it’s all over the floor.
- The group of howling cave-children working together to smash your valued possessions. You know, the ones they know they’re not allowed to touch? Yeah, those are the ones.
- The kids continuing with the routine without you. Overflowed bathtub anyone?? Or maybe a repeat of The Epic Mom-Was-2-Minutes-Late Toothpaste Disaster of 2017?
- Kids off for a walk without you, without telling you, in dead silence. Seriously, when have they ever done ANYTHING in dead silence… until now??
- Children finding their own sensory experiences out of your kitchen- you know, like flour, sugar, or uncooked rice all over the floor. Very educational.
- The toddler pulling crayons out of her secret lair or vanishing cabinet or wherever she gets them (even though I’ve picked up every last crayon in our house fifty times to make sure this doesn’t happen!) and drawing beautiful masterpieces on my walls.
- The kindergartner pulling crayons out of her secret lair or vanishing cabinet or wherever she gets them (even though I’ve picked up every last crayon in our house fifty times to make sure this doesn’t happen!) and writing her name all over the furniture. You’d think she’d write ANYTHING else… I wonder who did this??
- Eating things other than food. You know, like dirt, paper, dog food, week old leftover cereal that’s glued to the kitchen chairs….
- Kids feeding all the above nonfood items to their younger siblings…
- That one helpful child trying to pour a glass of milk or a bowl of cereal themselves. Time to go to the store for more milk. Right after a lot of mopping.
- Little ones pushing buttons on the TV remote. Congratulations- You now get to enjoy permanent Spanish subtitles.
- The baby pulling all the food out of your cupboards. Didn’t we have canned peaches once? Not anymore. They’re probably in the vanishing cabinet or in the secret lair with the crayons. They’re gone forever.
- The shortest family member getting into the top cupboards. Oh yes she can reach that! Uh oh.
- And the worst of all… The icing on the cake… The devil’s eye… The child could use his insane hound dog skills to track down your secret stash of chocolate. And by the time you get out of the shower… It. Will. All. Be. Gone. All of it. Yes, even the Lindor truffles!! Not those!
Do what’s good for you.
It’s just not worth it! Save yourselves, young mamas. Take a short shower.
And as always, when the chaos strikes, just pull out your camera and take a picture! Laugh about it if you can. If you can’t laugh today, know you’ll laugh someday! Maybe not today… But someday.
Do you have a funny mom story to share? Comment below!
Need more than 6 minutes to yourself? Check out this FREE Parent’s Guide to Self-Care to help you decompress and feel right with the world again!